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Chapter Nine

I just wanted a chance to say goodbye, one last time.

  “Bella, do what you have to do. Just know this; I will be here for you.” She said and looked at me like she was about to cry anytime, if that were possible. “Always” and when she said that she hugged me.

  She knew that I was leaving; I think she knew that from the beginning, to get away from all the memories. Like that would help, I would still have the memories in my head, stored in there for me to watch them over and over again, without having the power to get rid of them.

  I closed my eyes so I wouldn’t scream; I wouldn’t show how much I was hurt to Alice, not anyone.

  I needed to get out, now. I could not hold my feelings inside myself for much longer.

  “Bye” I said and looked at her for a long, whole second. I could see the pain in her eyes when I looked in her beautiful, golden eyes.

   Alice just stood in the hall looking at me. She didn’t look angry, – I thought she would, because I was leaving- but she looked like she worried. I guess she was worried about how I was dealing with this, and I don’t blame her for that. I was worried about that, too.

  Well, I couldn’t deal with this; this was just too much for me to deal with.

  After a while of running without having a goal I noted that I was halfway to my secret meadow.

  “Well”, I thought “If Alice saw me here, then maybe it’s here I should be.” And I continued to run towards the meadow.

  I tried to think of the Chinese alphabet, which I wasn’t that good at, just trying to think of something else than the pain in my dead, cold and non-beating heart.

  When I arrived to the meadow I had thought of the Chinese alphabet twenty three times. The meadow looked- I couldn’t find the right word for it, it looked dead, just like my non-beating heart.

  I laid down in the green grass, trying to think about the nature around me. Just trying to think about something else than the pain, it didn’t help. I could focus on both the nature and the pain that felt like it was about to kill me, as a vampire you can have many thoughts and feelings at the same time. I felt like I needed to scream, not a hold back scream, but a real scream, when I used all oxygen and power inside me. But of course I couldn’t do that, if I did, then the whole country would hear, if not the whole world.

   I tried to shut the pictures out of my head, not successfully. Many pictures flashed through my mind, both the happy and the not so happy memories.

  The memories of Jake and me, standing beside our car trying to fix it- well, it was more Jake that fixed the car, I just stood beside and helped him by lifting the car.

  The memories of Jake’s face when I opened the door, his red eyes from crying, I felt a pain in my heart. I just wanted to help him, to make him stop crying.

  When the memory of Jake screaming at me ran trough my mind, my whole body froze, it was a memory I didn’t want to think about.

   I begun to think about what Jake might be doing now, maybe he walked around the streets now and just waiting for that special girl to show up. Or maybe he still was at home and waited for me to get back. But that was a though I couldn’t think, he wasn’t for me anymore.

  I felt another wave of pain wash over me when I thought of that, that someone else would be the one to love him. To be the one he shared his secret with. How could anyone love him like I do? But just as long as Jake is happy, then I guess will be happy with him, at least as happy as I could be.

  Then a thought hit me, he hadn’t been imprinted yet, his world hadn’t changed yet. Maybe he wants to be with me, even if it’s only for now.

  Okay, I will do it; I will run to Jake’s house and pay him a visit.

  I just wanted a chance to say goodbye, one last time.

  When I ran towards Jake’s house I felt, well happy is to exaggerate, but I almost felt happier than before. I would get a real goodbye from Jake. I would get a goodbye when he still loved me, when we both loved each others just as much as the other does.

 When I ran up on his porch and to the door, it felt so, so usual. I felt like something was wrong, very wrong.

  I knocked lightly on the door; if I wasn’t careful the door would become wood chips, and waited for Jake to open the door.

  But it wasn’t Jake that opened the door, it was a girl. The smell of her hit me hard, she smelled really good. And her smell was foreign, I hadn’t met her before. Who was she?

 She was dark-skinned just like Jake, and her hair was dark-brown, with just a hint of red. She was really beautiful, a big smile with teeth that weren’t perfect, but she were really pretty. She looked just like the girl in the dream I had have about Jake and a girl with two small boys.

  Then an awful thought came through my mind, was this his imprint? My face changed from happy to blank on just half a second. She saw that and her smile vanished quickly.

  “Jake! There is someone at the door!” She screamed while she turned around, leaving me at the door. She could as easily just whispered, Jake would hear it anyway.

  She walked to the living room to sit down in the couch, Billy sat there, too. I could tell by the smell.

  “Who is it?” Jake said while he came out to the hall with a big grin. His big grin vanished when he saw me, it were replaced with a surprised and afraid facial expression. I would have been started running away by now, if I would have been able to move. All the muscles in my body were locket, I couldn't even breath. I just stared at him, he was beautiful, and it looked like he was glowing.

  “Bella” he said and his voice sounded empty, like he hadn’t any feelings left for me.

  By then I already knew, that girl was his imprint. I wouldn’t get my last goodbye. He was totally happy with a new girl, and I wasn’t.

  I turned around, I wanted to get away as soon as possible, and begun to walk very fast out of his house. I couldn’t run because his new girlfriends were there, she couldn’t know what I was. It was very frustrating; I just wanted to get away as soon as possible.

  Luckily, for me, my body worked with me and I turned around and begun to walk away.

  “Bella! Wait, please wait!” Jake shouted when he ran after me. I stopped so fast that he ran past me. When he had walked the two steps that he needed to stand in front of me, he looked at me with a worried gaze.

  “Just tell me what you want, and then let me leave.” I said, trying to control my voice. I couldn’t look at him, I looked down at the ground, if I looked at him I wouldn’t be able to control myself; I would either run away or something else I didn’t even want to think about.

  “I’m so sorry, Bella. I still love you, ‘know.” I snorted when he said that, why would he love me when he had her? I felt like my legs couldn’t bare me anymore, like I would collapse. I needed to focus so I wouldn’t fall down.

  “Bella, don’t be stupid! I still love you. Shit… How can I tell you this without hurting you more than I already have?” I sighed in response. I already knew what he would tell me. And he couldn’t save me from being hurt; I was already as hurt as I could.

  “I love you, but I can’t love anyone more than I love Jan.” So, his imprint’s name was Jan. Well, What the hell? I didn’t care, I tried to convince myself, but I was a bad liar, I couldn’t even lie successfully to myself.

  “’Course, I know that…” I said and begun to walk away, still having my gaze on the ground.

  “No, I don’t think you understand. I still feel the same way I felt before I got this imprint. I still love you.” He said and grabbed my shoulders with both his hands. I looked away, into the forest. I didn’t want to meet his gaze, and then I would probably drown in this intolerable pain.

  “Bella, look at me!” He said fiercely. I slowly changed my gaze from the forest to him. His eyes were filled with tears. By now I couldn't look away, I was caught up in his gaze that I wouldn’t have noticed Jan walking towards us it weren’t for her smell that scratched in my nose.

  Jan cleared her throat loudly. I guess she wanted to know what we were doing, and what we were talking about.

  “Eh, Jan this is Bella.” Jake said and dropped his hands. I could see the difference of Jake when Jan was near. His whole body was changed in a way I couldn’t explain, even for myself. He were almost smiling.

  “Hi”, Jan said and I could hear the sadness in her voice, like she was worried that I would steal Jake from her, She didn’t know how much I wanted that to be true, as if that could happen. Then she turned away from me to look at Jake, and he smiled towards her. He was really happy with her, much happier than when he was with me. That made me feel that pain again.

  “Maybe I should go now” I said and walked away. Jan didn’t pay any attention to me, she just looked at Jake.

 “No, you can stay if-” Jake begun, but when he turned his head towards me and saw my facial expression he interrupted himself.

  I didn’t want to stay for one second more, I didn’t want to see them together, I didn’t want to se anyone at all for a long, long time.

   “Bye. I will miss you, a lot.” He mimed when he hugged Jan with his head towards me.

  I just turned away my head, I couldn’t answer him; I couldn’t even begin to tell him how much I would miss him. I would fade away without him, I wouldn’t have a life to live, if you can call what I do living.

 Why did he do this to me? And why would he miss me? He had Jan, I had no one; I would miss him, a lot. Could he ever understand how much I would miss him?

  When I had walked towards the forest I had felt that he watched every step I took. I didn’t knew what to feel about that, why couldn’t he just hate me, that would make all of this a lot easier.

   I began to run as fast as I could when I had passed the first tree of the whole forest, I couldn’t get away fast enough.

   How could I survive this? How could anyone survive this?