Chapter Ten

I felt like I would throw up, even though I didn’t eat anything, when I thought of why Alice did this.

 

  When I was lying on the green grass in the meadow I didn’t feel anything, I didn’t feel the wind that blew, making the tree’s leaves dance, I didn’t even feel my own body, there were a massive black hole were it would have been.

  I knew that it were too late to do something about this, even if I marched down to Jake’s house and told him exactly how I felt, he wouldn’t care. I were all alone now, alone with my massive, unrealistic pain.

  That girl, who was she? Where did Jake meet her? How did he meet her?

  At least I knew that she didn’t live in La Push or Forks, then I would know who she were; I would have remembered her smell, she smelled too good to be forgotten.

  I couldn’t push those thoughts away; they were stuck in my head, stuck in there forever.

  Now the picture of Jake and the girl with the kids were burning in my memory, how could I ever wanting to have that?

  Oh right, when I thought he couldn’t find anyone else, when he had me.

  Stupid! I thought fiercely to myself. Why would he want me?

  Well, maybe it’ like they say; you always want what you can’t get.

  How could I ever heal, heal from this pain that ate me from inside, the pain that made my body ten thousand kilos heavier, like it would fall trough the ground.

  How could I ever go back, ever go back to my family, pretending to be okay? Like this never happened, like Jake didn’t exist.

  Yeah, that’s the main question; how?

  A new thought came up, maybe if I could be his friend? Just hang out, not being together as a couple, just hang out like friends. But that thought were killed before I begun to hope. I wasn’t that strong. I would see them together, and I wouldn’t be able to see that without feeling that massive wave of pain to flow over me.

  Why should everything be so damn hard? Well, maybe because I’m a monster who doesn’t deserve a life that is easy.

  I closed my eyes and let the pain take over me, there were no reason trying to hold it away.

  I didn’t know how long I had been laying there when my cell-phone begun to vibrate in my right pocket. I guessed it was Alice, who else would call me when they knew I didn’t want to be disturbed?

   I sighed and answered, without saying anything, and waited for her to begin. She better have something important to say or else- I didn’t even finish that though in my head.

  “Bella?” She asked and I sighed in response, who else would it be?

  “Oh, right. Sorry. But Bella… I think you need to get going home.” What was that about? Why did I need to get going home? This was just stupid, un-important. I were about to end the conversation by just smashing the phone into dust, but I controlled myself.

  I sighed when she didn’t say anything. “Why?” I asked, without any interest on getting the answer. She would probably just say that everybody missed me.

  “Just trust me, you need to get home.”

  “No, I don’t need to get home.” I neither need nor wanted to go home. All the memories that would be there, I shivered at the thought.

  “Please, Bella. Well, I guess that if you don’t come home willingly I will send Emmett and Jasper after you, and they will drag you home.” She giggled. “Carlisle and Esme would probably come with them to help” She obviously thought she was funny. But when she said Carlisle and Esme’s names, I had begun to wonder, but only for one thousandth of a second, if I was stupid by still laying here.

  “Ha, ha.” I Said sarcastic.

  ”I’m serious, Bella.” she took a pause and then continued “Oh. I will run to meet you.” She said happily and then she hanged up; I guessed that I would be going home now.

  My whole body screamed at me when I got up, and I almost wanted to obey it, to just collapse and continue to lay here, but then I remembered Alice and begun to run home.

  “Bella!” Alice said when she met me when I was almost halfway home. “Bella, you look terrible!” Well, at least I felt terrible, so that wasn’t news.

  “Hi, Alice, nice to see you, too.” I said sarcastic and looked at her. She looked happy, like just meeting me made her happy. What a stupid thing to be happy about.

  “Bella, How are you?” She asked.

  What did she honestly think? I sighed; I didn’t want to answer that.

  “Seriously, I wanna know. I can’t even begin to try imagining how you feel.” She looked at me and I felt that she was serious, but how could I ever explain how I felt?

  “Alice, I don’t even know how to even begin…” I begun, I didn’t need to say anything more, even though I wasn’t going to.

  “Please, try. I wanna help out. I don’t wanna be the sister who just says ‘I know how you feel’ when I don’t even know how sorrow feels.”

  “It feels like a huge hole has been punched trough my heart, like…” I sighed. I couldn’t find the right words. “Like my whole world has been torn apart, like my heart has been brutally taken out, like nothing ever will be okay again…”

  “Bella, I wanna be able to help, but I just don’t know how…” Alice said and I saw on her facial expression that she were really sorry.

  “I don’t expect you to help; I don’t expect anyone to help. This is just too complicated for anyone to understand.”

  Alice nodded and then took his eyes off my face; she looked at my body as if she thought the clothes I wore were awful. They couldn’t be that bad, could they?

  “Hmm… I will need to cloth you and do some makeup…” She murmured.

  “What?” I asked. Why would she need to do that? I wasn’t planning on staying home for long, just staying as long as that thing Alice had planned was over.

  “Nothing, let’s go home.” She said reached out for my hand. I sighed, took her hand and we both begun to run home. I tried to think of meeting the family instead of that pain I felt, of course it didn’t help.

  “Remind me why I’m letting you do this again, please.” I said when I sat on a chair in Alice room.

 She had carried in a small table into the room and had putted all makeup you can ever think of, the table was full. I tried to find a spot between the makeup what the wood showed, un-successfully.

  “We will have a visitor, and you wanna look great by then.” I looked at her with mistrust. “Trust me.” She said and begun to paint my lips with a red lipstick she had in her hand.

  “Why won’t you tell me who it is?” I said between my teeth, not moving my lips, if I would have moved my lips, I would have gotten myself an angry Alice.

   “Because I don’t want to”, She answered. I closed my hands into fists and tried to control my anger, I didn’t want to get angry at Alice right now.

  She told me to close my eyes so she could paint my eyelids, so unnecessary according to me, and I did tell her so. But she repeated what she said before.

  Who will come to visit us, a nomad, or maybe Tanya? But then, why would I need makeup? I couldn’t put the pieces together.

Alice eyes got focused on something that weren’t in this room, looking into the future.

  “Oh, I’ll better hurry up.” Alice said and begun to put the makeup on my face even faster. I wondered how that even was possible.

  I were about to ask why she needed to hurry up, but then I realized that I really didn’t want to know.

   “Done!” She said and grinned. “You look really beautiful, Bella! Rose will get so jealous.”

   “’Course I look beautiful. No one looks like something else than beautiful after you’re done with them.” When I said that, her grin just grew and then she hugged me.

  “Well, then promise that you wont get mad now.” She said and took both my hands.

  What was it now? I felt like I would throw up, even though I didn’t eat anything, when I thought of why she did this. Had she invited Jake over? I felt the stress grow inside me, just like it reached out from my stomach to my toes and out trough my hair.

  I stared at her with big eyes, I were just about to speak when she opened her mouth.

  “No, Bella. Don’t be stupid, I wouldn’t do that to you.” She said and looked first angry, but then she looked sad. “Is that what you think of me?” she looked at me just like she would begin to cry. “Do you really think I would do that to you, Bella?

  “You’ll never know when it’s you, Alice.” I said. I was a little less stressed now, but what did she mean then, if it weren’t about Jake?

  I felt that every time I even thought of his name it felt like something stabbed me right in the gut.

  Before I could think anything more she whispered “Wait a sec-” and ran out the room, I raised myself to standing, but she were gone, she had left me alone.

  Alone. It scared me, without knowing why. Standing in Alice room alone was, and I’m not overreacting, terrifying. Without even needing the air, I started to breath fast and shallow. The pain in my head and body were overwhelming, the pain of knowing that I were alone, with no one near. I knew I was being pathetic, but I just wanted to run after Alice, just to hear her breathing.

  I fell apart totally, I just collapsed, I felt myself falling apart, I felt the floor against my cheek.

  This was the end; I won’t be able to live like this. I wanted this to be the end.

  “Bella!” Alice said when she came in trough the door with clothes in one hand and Jasper in the other hand.

  I felt better at once, not okay, but better. Jasper was really good at making people feeling just like he wanted, only now I guessed that it were really hard.

  “Bella”, Alice mumbled when she kneeled in front of me and took me in her arms. “It’s okay. I’m sorry; I shouldn’t have left you alone.”  She continued mumbling. Even though Jaspers gift, I still felt that pain, even though that the sadness were gone.

  “No, it’s not you’re fault. It’s my fault for being so pathetic.”

  “Bella” Alice said and took my face between her small hands and looked deeply into my eyes. “You’re not being pathetic. I mean, if I were in your place, if Jasper found someone else” Jasper growled at her words and Alice looked at him with a look that was filled with love, and then she looked at me again. “Bella, if Jasper would find someone else, then I wouldn’t be able to live, I would just run away, and don’t care about anything anyone said. I think you’re really strong.” She talked slowly, as if I wouldn’t understand if she didn’t.

  She slowly helped me up to standing; it felt like my legs would brake anytime.

  “I don’t believe that.” I mumbled so low that it even were difficult for Alice to hear, and then I  sat down on the chair I sat on when she made my makeup.

  “At least it’s true.” She said and then she looked down at her hands. “Oh right! Here, promise you won’t get mad.” She said and reached her hands for me.

  “I don’t think I’m able to get mad anymore” I sad and took the clothes from her.

  It was a simple, ocean-blue tube top and a short, black skirt. The tube top was really beautiful, the blue colour were amazing. The colour made the simple top look… Amazing, almost enchanting, I just sat there and stared idiotically on the top.

  “Alice… It’s beautiful!” I said when I held it up in front of me.

  “I know you would say that”, she said and smiled. Of course she knew that. “Take it on, the shoes stands at the door.” She said and pointed against the door.

  “Okay, you know that it isn’t really necessary but…”I said and looked at her. She continued to look at the door; it looked like she had a vision. Wonder what she saw?

  “Soon”, she said and smiled against the door. “Get dressed and meet us downstairs.” She said, without giving me a look, and then she and Jasper were gone before I could think about it further, I guess I was slow today.

  While got dressed I thought of who it could be that will come and pay us a visit. I didn’t care about the being lonely by now, I knew that I were my destiny to be lonely, now I only knew that we were about to have a visitor.