Chapter Eight

  The next morning when I woke up laid and thought of the night before; how strange my birthday had turned out. When the memories of Jake and Nahuel came back, I got a strange feeling. No, it was more a blend of many feelings. That's another annoying thing about being half vampire, you have so much room in your head to think and feel many things at the same time. I felt both happy-of knowing that somebody actually loved me- and cold, but also felt sick;  All this years that Jake has been around, it was because he loved me. But not as a sister, he loved me in that I-want-to-marry-you way. And Nahuel, he wanted to marry me the first time we both saw each others, that's even sicker. But even though all this, I felt like I still loved Jake. But Nahuel, I don't know. I don't know if he's the one for me.

  And then I came to think about Jake again, he had a strong connection to my mother, that I had understood.  But how could he love me, after I killed her? How could he look at me and not want to kill me?

      Many questions as those had come through my mind before Rosalie knocked at my door. "Can I come in?" I didn't answer, I just didn't care, and she would come in anyway. Just as I thought, she opened the door and came and sat down at the bottom part of my bed. "Are you okay? Do you want to talk about it?" She wondered and looked at me with a worrying look. "Yes, I'm okay." I answered. I was lying, and she knew that.

  "You know that I‘m here for you, no matter what." She said and looked at me while she got up from my bed.

  "I know that, I love you." I said. And I did, I did love her. She kissed me on my forehead and went out. When she came down the stairs someone came in trough the door.

  "How is she?" I heard it was Jake's deep rumbling voice. Oh Jake! I looked at the bracelet that still was on my left wrist, the heart and the wolf. It actually looked like Jake, as wolf of course.

  My eyes were drawn to the ring that I had laid on my desk. My gaze flickered from my wrist and the desk. Why would everything be so hard?  Why can't I just have been born in an ordinary family?

 "What do you think?" Rosalie snapped at him. They had never fit in with each other.  

  "Rosalie, you know how helpful Jake has been trough all this years. Show him some respect!" Esme said to Rosalie. Rosalie snorted "At least I don't stink wet dog."

 Then someone whispered something, something I couldn't hear, and then she turned around and went to the kitchen. She started rummaged in the refrigerator; I guessed she was going to make me some breakfast.

  "I didn't want it to be like this, all I want is for her to be happy..." Jake said quietly. He sounded guilty, as if he had broken a glass vase and got caught. "And by the way, I'm sorry for yesterday."

  "We know that Jake and I promise you; I'm okay, there wasn't that big. It's okay." Alice said. What? What is she talking about? Had something happen to her?

 "I'm sorry, and sorry if I injured you, I didn't mean to hurt you." Jake said and sounded really sorry, and worried.

  "I said it was okay, it's not something you can call a bite you know." Alice said, and I think I heard a low snarl from Jasper. "Jasper, you know he didn't mean to hurt me in any way." Alice said that obviously to calm Jasper.

 "Do you think I can go up to her and talk to her?" Jake asked.

 "No, don't. You will upset her." Rosalie answered from the kitchen.

 Jake did really care about me, he really loved me. I felt the tears sneak up behind me. How could anyone love me like him? He had been with me since my first day. I felt my love to him, was the love to him only as a brother?

   My thoughts were interrupted by light steps up the stairs, it was Alice. She came in without knocking, she new I wouldn't answer, with a brick in her hands.

 "I thought you might be hungry, so I asked Rosalie to make you some breakfast." Alice said and putted down the brick down in my lap, there was only two eggs and ketchup. Rosalie always joked about the ketchup; she says ‘It looks like blood, you can always pretend.' I really don't like ketchup that much, but just eggs doesn't taste that good.

 When I started to eat Alice looked at me like she had something to say, but wondering how to say it.

  "What is it?" I said with my mouth full of eggs.

  "I know you don't want to talk about it," Alice looked down at her hand. I saw a bite mark, and understood directly. She had gone between in the fight yesterday.  "But you know that Jake cares about you and he only want you to be happy. Even if you don't love him that way, he will always be here for you. But then as a brother, if you only want him to be that way. He Will be whatever you want him to be" When she talked she talked slowly and looked at me like she was talking to a little child.

 "I know that, but right now I don't know what I'm feeling..." I answered and looked down at my plate that was almost empty; I was hungry without knowing. "Everything is so overwhelming; it's only that I've never thought of Jake that way. I've always though of him as a big brother."

 When I said that I could almost swear that I heard an ‘I told you so' down stairs.

  "I think you'll have to talk with Jake, even though it will be hard." Alice said and laid her hand on mine. I looked at her and I felt the tears burning under my eyelids, I need to tell him something. But what? What should I tell him? I didn't even know myself what I thought and felt, so what would I say to Jake?

  "Tell him the truth, I can ask him to leave if you want some time to think" Alice said while I was thinking; she obviously understood what I thought of.

   "Yes, I will have to think about this." I murmured and poked in my eggs. "I will go downstairs and tell him to go home and sleep for a while, he hasn't slept the whole night, but I doubt he can sleep now either." She said and the next second she was out of the room and down the stairs. I covered my ears so I couldn't hear what Jake and Alice said, it was already as bad as it could be.

  "You can come down now" Esme said as she putted a hand on my back.

  "Okay, I will come down when I have some clothes on" I answered and pulled a little in my nightdress. It was old and torn; I had to buy a new one the next time I went to town. "Wait! Isn't it Wednesday today?" I asked when I remembered that it wasn't a weekend. Why didn't my clock alarm? And even if it didn't alarm, why didn't anyone wake me up?

  "Yes, it's Wednesday today. But I called in you in ill, so you can stay home as long as you need to" Esme said and sat down at my bed, right beside me. I sighed; if I had gone to school I could think of other things. Esme looked anxiously at me, she always worried so much.   

  "Thank you." I said just to say something to her. I couldn't say the truth, and then she would blame herself. She always blamed herself for little things like that.

  "We all love you, and you know that." She said and kissed my forehead. Then she looked at me one last time, and then she rushed out of the room. Now I was alone again.

  "What should I do?" I said and looked at a picture at my mom and dad. I had many pictures of them, but this one was my favourite; a picture with them standing in the forest, smiling and looking at each others. I wished they'd liven to tell me what to do, my father that could read everybody's minds, would be perfect in this situation. But I have to sort this out of my own. I was so pathetic; I had two who loved me. I should be happy, but everything is just so hard. I guess a freak like me can't have a happy ending, can I?