Chapter Fourteen

‘No, it’s not a big of a deal, I just couldn’t control my own body, that’s not a big of a deal’, I thought sarcastically to myself.

   “Bella, you don’t have to blame yourself.” Esme said when I came in through the door. She was on me like a blood-hound, always with these ‘Don’t blame yourself’ words that didn’t help. But she always meant it to be nice, so I couldn’t get mad.

   “I haven’t even given that much though” I said truthfully, and I begun to feel bad about that, that I hadn’t blame myself. What if it had happen something on that parking?

  Esme saw my facial expression when I begun to think in those areas, so she quickly said something to make me think about something else. “You haven’t been hunting for a very long time, maybe you should…” she begun, but I just held one hand up to silence her.

  “I will go hunt when I need to, and I just haven’t needed to do that lately. And by the way, I wanna know Edward and Carlisle theory.” When I said that I came to think of a thing, I said Edward before Carlisle, witch I had never done before with anyone. And according to Esme’s facial expression she noticed it, too.

  She gave me one long look and then she said, “They’re with Alice in Carlisle’s office”

  “It’s not-” I begun, but she interrupted me.

  “I don’t care. Well, ‘course I care, but you do whatever you feel like.” She turned around. But when she heard that I wasn’t moving she turned around again and looked at me. “Now, go.” She said and pointed up the stairs.

  I nodded and begun to run upstairs, I wanted to meet Edward.

  Then a though hit me, could he read minds from a distance? I felt my own eyes grew bigger, what if he could read Esme’s thoughts…

  I tried to put on a mask, a mask that was calm and peaceful. But it just felt like I made a grimace. I gave out I quiet sigh, when I saw Edward I wouldn’t be able to think.

  When I came in through the door everyone looked at me, it felt awkward, not to Alice and Carlisle looked, but Edward was staring at me. It felt good and wrong, right because it felt like, somehow he could like me, too, but also wrong because I knew deep, deep down that someone like Edward couldn’t love someone like me.

  “Hello, I’m sorry I didn’t get to introduce myself yesterday, I’m Edward. You’re Bella” Edward said and got up from his seat. I wanted to tell him that it was unnecessary to do that, but I couldn’t make a sound come out of my mouth. I couldn’t do anything else than stare at that beautiful statue, he were perfect, from head to toe. And he had remembered my name.

  Alice cleared her throat loudly, and I just moved my gaze from Edward to her. She raised her eyebrows and looked like she was saying ‘say something’.

  I quickly shook of the magic spell that his voice had put on me, I needed pull myself together. “Um, hello, how could you-“I begun, but interrupted myself, obviously he had read the others thoughts and knew everything about me by now. I looked down at the floor, I couldn’t look at him, and he could now my deepest and most embarrassing secrets.

  “Bella, we have some theories about what happened earlier. But we just wanna tell you that it’s okay, no need to blame yourself for this, and nothing happened, so there isn’t anything to worry about.” Carlisle said and made me look at him; he always talked with a voice that made everybody listen.

  “Yes, we do. Please, sit down.” Edward said and made a hand gesture towards the chair he just had been sitting in before I came in. I shook my head, I couldn’t take his seat, for a start, that weren’t very nice, he were like a kind of guest and second, I couldn’t move, so I just stood in the doorpost.

  “Well, actually it isn’t that big of a deal; you know that, don’t you?” Carlisle said and looked at me.

  ‘No, it’s not a big of a deal, I just couldn’t control my own body, that’s not a big of a deal’, I thought sarcastically to myself.

  I looked at Carlisle in disbelief, he always tried to make big problems seem small, but this time he weren’t going to succeed.

  “Bella, stop it, listen to Carlisle, he’s right.” Alice said when she saw my gaze.

  “No, I won’t stop; it is a big of a deal! I was about to attack you, I wanted to attack…” in the beginning I were mad, but then I begun to feel bad about what I had been feeling at the parking. Why didn’t Alice hate me for this?

  “If we tell you that it weren’t your fault, then would you stop being so damn harsh towards yourself?” Edward said and looked deeply into my eyes, I couldn’t look away by then, my eyes had been locked on his.

  Then all-of-a-sudden Alice started giggling, and after not so long she started to laugh, loudly. Carlisle’ head were turned to his side, were Alice stood, but Edward just kept staring into my eyes. His lips were twisted in a beautiful, crooked smile. I just wanted to kiss him, his beautiful lips. Touch his enchanting bronze hair; I just wanted to touch him. I felt the urge to reach out and just touch his hand, just see if he felt as good as he looked, but I stopped myself from doing that, god knows what he would think about me then.

  I could see that Alice were moving her lips, perhaps she were telling Carlisle what she giggled about, but not speaking, and then I heard Carlisle take a deep breath. I had to look at him, just to see if he were surprised or angry, or whatever he could be.

  He didn’t show anything, he just looked at us. I felt a shiver go down my spine; I could almost touch the feeling that something was wrong.

  Carlisle took a beep breath and begun talking, and when he told me that, my whole body got cold and it felt like the room was spinning. This couldn’t happen, not now, not here, not ever.

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Chapter Thirteen

I wanted to rip her apart; I could even taste the venom in my mouth.

  “Bella, can you come with me and do some shopping?” Alice whispered when Edward and the rest of the family were in the living room, talking and sharing experiences. Edward were really good at being with other vampires, he had a talent.

  “Now? Why?” I asked and then added “We have a guest in the other room”

  “Don’t ask anything, just come with me.” I looked at her with a look that said ‘No’. “Please!” she added and took my hand, looking into my eyes. She waited for the approving nod, and I gave it to her. I really wanted to know what she meant with all this.

  “Okay, now we can talk.” She said when she stopped at the parking.

  “What was all that in the hall about?” When I asked her that, she just smiled.

  “Nothing you won’t find out in time” she answered, typically Alice to give cryptic answers.

  I sighed; I knew that I couldn’t get anything more from her. When she stepped out of the car I begun to think about a thing, Edward looked at me before, a lot.

  “Bella, there is one thing we have been holding from you.” She said and looked guilty.

  “What?” I asked and looked at her from across the car. We both had stepped out of the car and now stood and looked at each others.

  “You have,” She took a deep breath. “It’s hard to explain so it comes out right…” She said and closed the door to the car. “You have some sort of mental shield, it doesn’t stop me and Jasper to see your future or change your feelings, but it shuts out everyone who has a mental gift…” She ended the last word weirdly when she saw my face; I guess I was staring at her. I had no idea what she was talking about.

  “Bella, Bella are you okay?” she was worried, I could hear it on her voice.

  “I’m okay, I just…” I begun slowly, just like I was thinking about if I was okay or not,” I just, don’t understand…”

  ”Edward has a mental gift, he can read minds. But he can’t read yours. He really tried, but he can’t.”

  “So… Edward can read minds?” I said, without any motion in my voice.

  “Yes, but he can’t read your thoughts. You have a shield, it shuts him out.” She said and walked behind the car; she opened the trunk and took out her purse. I never got the thing why she puts her purse in the trunk, why couldn’t she just put it in the backseat?

  “So, he can read your thoughts?” I said, and when she didn't answer I continued. “Can he read every thought in your head, just like that guy Aro, the Volturi leader Carlisle has been talking about?” Carlisle had told many stories about the great Aro, who lived in Italy. If Edward were like him, then he would have all our memories. And he would know everything about me that Alice knew. That thought scared me; he would know all my secrets.

  “No, he’s not quite like Aro.” I let a huge amount of air out of my lungs, I couldn't focus on anything, everything just floated around like a colourful children painting. I didn’t understand everything she had to say after that first sentence, it were like she just whispered it out, or murmured.

  “Bella, are you all right?” Alice asked, I could hear that she were worried. “It’s not that big of a deal, his gift isn’t stranger than Jaspers or mine” She said and walked over to me, but when she putted her right hand on my shoulder I stiffened. Who did she think she was? I felt that I just wanted to rip her arm off, and that scared me at the same time as I felt my anger build up.

  Alice pulled back her hand quickly. Obviously she noticed that something was wrong. But I didn’t care what she thought. She were always on me, annoying me and nagging. ‘Bella, do that. Bella, do this.’ I wanted to rip her apart; I could even taste the venom in my mouth.

  “Bella just run.” Alice said. “The parking lot is empty, just run.”  I didn’t look her in the eyes, but I felt that the only way to not do something I would regret later, the best would be if I just ran away. I closed my eyes and ran away, away from Alice, away from the feeling that I wanna kill her.

  What the hell had happened there? I had like a mental shutdown; I couldn’t control my own reactions. That was an awful feeling, to be powerless towards your own body. What if I had done something, what if I had attacked Alice? I shuddered at the thought, even though I knew that Alice would see if I would have done something, the thought of attacking my beloved sister. No, that was just totally inconceivable.

  I was in the meadow. In the meadow I could think without any distractions, and without the feeling of needing to rip someone apart.

  What had happened to me? Nothing like that had ever happened to me and not to the others either, unless they kept something from me.

  Just as I were about to pick up my phone to call Alice, my pocket started to vibrate. And when I looked at the display I weren’t surprised that it were Alice, she always knew when I were about to call.

  “I’m at home. Carlisle and Edward have a theory about this.” I didn’t think anything more, I just shut the phone of and begun to run home. I had to admit to myself that it were mostly I was heading home to meet Edward. But I couldn’t shake of the regret. I stood there at the parking lot and I wanted to rip her apart, I wanted to kill her.

  My own sister. 
I must have some sort problem in my head.



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Chapter Twelve

Not only the smell of the vampire were intoxicating, his face were the most beautiful I had even seen.

  The vampire that stood in the door was the most beautiful vampire I had even seen.

  His hair were bronze coloured and lank. His face was even more beautiful than Rosalie’s, in it’s masculine way- but it had a feminine touch, and he smelled even more beautiful. The smell was intoxicating, the perfect fragrance of honey-lilac-and-sun. The smell made me a bit dizzy, a feeling I had never experienced before. I couldn’t take my eyes of him, and it seemed like the others had the same problem.

  The vampire looked quickly at everybody, but when he looked at me his gaze stopped and he gazed into my eyes. His red crimson eyes were intoxicating, not the colour, but when I looked into them it felt like I melted. He looked like he concentrated on something, but I had no idea of what. I began to worry if my makeup had been ruined or something.

  Then his gaze moved to Jasper, and his facial expression changed. His whole body changes into a defensive position, and a low growl came out of his throat. Jasper just stood there, looking at Alice. Alice would know if he would attack, so I guess Jasper trusted her in that area.

  “Edward, this is our family.” Carlisle’s voice broke his attention towards Jasper. He looked at Carlisle and then towards us again. So, his name was Edward. What a beautiful name.

  “That’s Rosalie and Emmett, Alice and Esme, Bella and Jasper.” Carlisle said and while he pointed out the individuals of the names Edward’s gaze followed. When Carlisle had said my name he didn’t look away to look at Jasper, his eyes were locked on mine.

  Alice begun to giggle, and everybody’s attention were drawn to her.

  “Sorry!” She said and continued to giggle. “Can’t help it” She sat down on a step of the stairs. She looked at Edward and smiled.

  Edward’s eyes looked fiercely at Alice, and I was scared that he would attack her or something, but then his gaze moved towards me. He looked at me and then he begun to smile. He smiled a crooked smile, and a vibe that felt like an electric shock shot trough my body.

  I couldn’t do anything but smile back; he had the most beautiful smile I had even seen. 

  “Alice, could you stop that.” Edward said and looked over towards Alice. “Stop screaming, please.” He hissed out the last word between his teeth. Everybody stiffened and looked at Edward, everybody but Alice. She just smiled and looked at Edward. What did he mean with ‘Stop screaming’, Alice were quiet.  I just stared at him, would he do something? Nobody knew except Alice, and she only smiled. If Alice trusted him, then why wouldn’t I?

  “Nope” Alice answered. “It’s just what I know” She looked at me and then back at Edward and then she giggled. “And what you now know.” She giggled again and looked over towards me again. She grinned and then she gave out a low giggle again. I smiled and looked at her in wonder, what did they talk about? And I had never heard her giggle this much.

  “Well” Carlisle said and took a slow step towards Edward. “This is our family, would you like a tour around the house?” he made a gesture towards the living room. “Just to see if you really want to stay with us.”

  “I think I already made my decision according to Alice, but I would love a tour around the house.” Edward said and then looked at Esme.  “I have not been to any particular place; I've just been around, a bit here and there. Just living for the day, you know.”

  First Esme looked surprised, and then she calmed down and nodded. “Welcome to the family” she said and smiled.

  “Are all of you sure that it’s okay? I mean, I don’t want to be a burden.” He said and smiled that beautiful, crooked smile and then looked at everybody.

  Rosalie just smiled and shrugged, obviously she didn’t care, Jasper just nodded and looked at Edward just like he said something important to him, Alice giggled and nodded “’course I want you to stay”, Esme smiled warmly and Emmett were just laughing. When he came to look at me I felt the strange feeling again, I couldn’t move a muscle in my body. He looked at me like he was trying to look into my mind, but something blocked him out.

  I remembered that he waited for my acceptance, so I smiled and nodded. I couldn’t do anything else than that, if I tried to talk it would probably just be murmurs. Of course I wanted to have this amazing god here, even though I knew he wasn’t made for me. I felt that the pain and sorrow of Jake were blown away, now the only thing that were in my mind was him. Edward.




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  “Carlisle will come home with him in just minutes” Alice said and I could hear the smile on her face even though she was downstairs.

  I thought of what she said, ‘Carlisle will come home with him in just minutes’.

  Who was ‘him’?

  She said that it wasn’t Jake, but could I trust her? Yes, I had to trust her; she was my favourite sister. But I still had this thought in the back of my head that maybe she wanted me to be in pain. I shook my head, why would Alice want me to be in pain? I must be crazy, thinking things like that about Alice.

  When I had my clothes on and the shoes wrapped around my ankles I ran down the stairs.

  “Bella, you’re hurting my feelings. You’re not being fair to me. That was one time, and then you didn’t feel like this…” She said, knowing what I was going to say.

  I had been cruel to her, but then I came to think of one thing, why didn’t she say who it was? It wouldn’t hurt me more than I already was.

  “I’m sorry, Alice. But why won’t you tell me?” I looked at her and she looked back, without seeing me, she looked into the future.

  “Jasper, go get Emmett, he’s at the backyard with Rosalie and Esme. No wait, get all of them.” She said and when Jasper began to move she continued. “Oh” she said and hold one hand up, “you need to hurry.”

  He looked at her in confusion at first, but then –just as if she told him just by looking at him- he nodded once and ran outside.

  “Alice, what’s all this about?” I said when I could talk again. My mind was spinning and I couldn’t catch one proper thought.

  “Don’t worry, Bella. You’ll know soon enough.” She said and smiled. “Watch out, Emmett is muddy.” She laughed and moved two steps away.

  Before I could think the door flew open and Emmett ran in, muddy from head to toe, I moved two steps towards Alice so he didn’t run into me. He ran up the stairs and into his room at once, I hoped, and guessed, that he would change clothes. His clothes weren’t so good to wear when we were expecting a guest.

  Then Esme and Rosalie came in and I noticed that I felt better, not entirely, because the pain was buried too deep, it were the kind of pain you can’t get rid of. After a while I guess I have to get used to it.

  “Rosalie, help Emmett to pick out clothes. He will try to fit in one of your jeans.” She said with a big smile on her face. She usually never joked when it came to clothes and fashion, but now she looked like it was a lot of fun. And I really wanted to see that, too; Emmett trying to fit in Rosalie’s Jeans. I gave out a low chuckle.

  “Alice, can I go change?” Esme asked when Jasper came in trough the door. His weren’t even muddy. That was impressive.

  “Yes.” Alice said and looked at Jasper. “But don’t take long, you know he’s… special.” When Alice said the last word Esme’s eye grew bigger, then she nodded one time and flew up the stairs.

  “Special? Who’s special?” I asked, knowing I wouldn't get a proper answer.

  “Our guest” She said and then she looked at my clothes. “Bella!” She squeaked. “You put your top upside down!” She sighed. “You do see that this thing here,” She pointed out a line on the top, “It’s supposed to be right here.” And then she pointed towards my ribs. What did she expect? It looked almost the same in both ways, so how could I know?

  “Jasper, look away for a second.” Alice said and reached for my tube-top.

  Jasper sighed, but turned around. Alice murmured “Thanks” and then she took my top of and on, but then in the right way. She froze and looked at her hands on my hips, of course a vision again. I started to get tired of them, but I guess that it is just because I don’t get to see them. And then I thought of one more thing, without them, we would have trouble. She always saw the troubles come, so we moved. But without them we would have big trouble.

  “Emmet, Rosalie, Esme!” She shouted fast and then turned to Jasper who had turned around before she even spoke out the E in Emmet.

  “Is it going to be bad?” Jasper asked and looked down at Alice.

  Alice shrugged as an answer. “Carlisle is at least able to calm him down until he comes here. After that I don’t know, all of you are needed. Later he’s going to be great, but now? I don’t know.”

  “What’s up?” Emmett asked when she came down the stairs together with Esme and Rosalie.

  “They’re coming soon” Alice said and they all seemed to know who she was talking about.

  “Alice, please tell me what’s going on!” I said and looked deeply into Alice eyes.

  “Bella, please trust me when I say that you’ll find out soon enough.” She sighed and looked down at the floor. “Five seconds” She said and turned around to the door.

  When she said that I turned to the door and listened, I heard four feet touching the ground. It made a drumming sound, a drumming sound that came closer.   

   The ‘secret guest’ was arriving.

  No one said anything, they just lined up in the hall, with me in the end of the line- with an exception for Jasper, who stood to my right.

  By now I knew that it was something about this visitor that was coming, and that he were going to be ‘great’. Later.

  The door flew up and everybody took a deep breath, the figure in the door stood perfectly still.

Chapter Ten

I felt like I would throw up, even though I didn’t eat anything, when I thought of why Alice did this.

  When I was lying on the green grass in the meadow I didn’t feel anything, I didn’t feel the wind that blew, making the tree’s leaves dance, I didn’t even feel my own body, there were a massive black hole were it would have been.

  I knew that it were too late to do something about this, even if I marched down to Jake’s house and told him exactly how I felt, he wouldn’t care. I were all alone now, alone with my massive, unrealistic pain.

  That girl, who was she? Where did Jake meet her? How did he meet her?

  At least I knew that she didn’t live in La Push or Forks, then I would know who she were; I would have remembered her smell, she smelled too good to be forgotten.

  I couldn’t push those thoughts away; they were stuck in my head, stuck in there forever.

  Now the picture of Jake and the girl with the kids were burning in my memory, how could I ever wanting to have that?

  Oh right, when I thought he couldn’t find anyone else, when he had me.

  Stupid! I thought fiercely to myself. Why would he want me?

  Well, maybe it’ like they say; you always want what you can’t get.

  How could I ever heal, heal from this pain that ate me from inside, the pain that made my body ten thousand kilos heavier, like it would fall trough the ground.

  How could I ever go back, ever go back to my family, pretending to be okay? Like this never happened, like Jake didn’t exist.

  Yeah, that’s the main question; how?

  A new thought came up, maybe if I could be his friend? Just hang out, not being together as a couple, just hang out like friends. But that thought were killed before I begun to hope. I wasn’t that strong. I would see them together, and I wouldn’t be able to see that without feeling that massive wave of pain to flow over me.

  Why should everything be so damn hard? Well, maybe because I’m a monster who doesn’t deserve a life that is easy.

  I closed my eyes and let the pain take over me, there were no reason trying to hold it away.

  I didn’t know how long I had been laying there when my cell-phone begun to vibrate in my right pocket. I guessed it was Alice, who else would call me when they knew I didn’t want to be disturbed?

   I sighed and answered, without saying anything, and waited for her to begin. She better have something important to say or else- I didn’t even finish that though in my head.

  “Bella?” She asked and I sighed in response, who else would it be?

  “Oh, right. Sorry. But Bella… I think you need to get going home.” What was that about? Why did I need to get going home? This was just stupid, un-important. I were about to end the conversation by just smashing the phone into dust, but I controlled myself.

  I sighed when she didn’t say anything. “Why?” I asked, without any interest on getting the answer. She would probably just say that everybody missed me.

  “Just trust me, you need to get home.”

  “No, I don’t need to get home.” I neither need nor wanted to go home. All the memories that would be there, I shivered at the thought.

  “Please, Bella. Well, I guess that if you don’t come home willingly I will send Emmett and Jasper after you, and they will drag you home.” She giggled. “Carlisle and Esme would probably come with them to help” She obviously thought she was funny. But when she said Carlisle and Esme’s names, I had begun to wonder, but only for one thousandth of a second, if I was stupid by still laying here.

  “Ha, ha.” I Said sarcastic.

  ”I’m serious, Bella.” she took a pause and then continued “Oh. I will run to meet you.” She said happily and then she hanged up; I guessed that I would be going home now.

  My whole body screamed at me when I got up, and I almost wanted to obey it, to just collapse and continue to lay here, but then I remembered Alice and begun to run home.

  “Bella!” Alice said when she met me when I was almost halfway home. “Bella, you look terrible!” Well, at least I felt terrible, so that wasn’t news.

  “Hi, Alice, nice to see you, too.” I said sarcastic and looked at her. She looked happy, like just meeting me made her happy. What a stupid thing to be happy about.

  “Bella, How are you?” She asked.

  What did she honestly think? I sighed; I didn’t want to answer that.

  “Seriously, I wanna know. I can’t even begin to try imagining how you feel.” She looked at me and I felt that she was serious, but how could I ever explain how I felt?

  “Alice, I don’t even know how to even begin…” I begun, I didn’t need to say anything more, even though I wasn’t going to.

  “Please, try. I wanna help out. I don’t wanna be the sister who just says ‘I know how you feel’ when I don’t even know how sorrow feels.”

  “It feels like a huge hole has been punched trough my heart, like…” I sighed. I couldn’t find the right words. “Like my whole world has been torn apart, like my heart has been brutally taken out, like nothing ever will be okay again…”

  “Bella, I wanna be able to help, but I just don’t know how…” Alice said and I saw on her facial expression that she were really sorry.

  “I don’t expect you to help; I don’t expect anyone to help. This is just too complicated for anyone to understand.”

  Alice nodded and then took his eyes off my face; she looked at my body as if she thought the clothes I wore were awful. They couldn’t be that bad, could they?

  “Hmm… I will need to cloth you and do some makeup…” She murmured.

  “What?” I asked. Why would she need to do that? I wasn’t planning on staying home for long, just staying as long as that thing Alice had planned was over.

  “Nothing, let’s go home.” She said reached out for my hand. I sighed, took her hand and we both begun to run home. I tried to think of meeting the family instead of that pain I felt, of course it didn’t help.

  “Remind me why I’m letting you do this again, please.” I said when I sat on a chair in Alice room.

 She had carried in a small table into the room and had putted all makeup you can ever think of, the table was full. I tried to find a spot between the makeup what the wood showed, un-successfully.

  “We will have a visitor, and you wanna look great by then.” I looked at her with mistrust. “Trust me.” She said and begun to paint my lips with a red lipstick she had in her hand.

  “Why won’t you tell me who it is?” I said between my teeth, not moving my lips, if I would have moved my lips, I would have gotten myself an angry Alice.

   “Because I don’t want to”, She answered. I closed my hands into fists and tried to control my anger, I didn’t want to get angry at Alice right now.

  She told me to close my eyes so she could paint my eyelids, so unnecessary according to me, and I did tell her so. But she repeated what she said before.

  Who will come to visit us, a nomad, or maybe Tanya? But then, why would I need makeup? I couldn’t put the pieces together.

Alice eyes got focused on something that weren’t in this room, looking into the future.

  “Oh, I’ll better hurry up.” Alice said and begun to put the makeup on my face even faster. I wondered how that even was possible.

  I were about to ask why she needed to hurry up, but then I realized that I really didn’t want to know.

   “Done!” She said and grinned. “You look really beautiful, Bella! Rose will get so jealous.”

   “’Course I look beautiful. No one looks like something else than beautiful after you’re done with them.” When I said that, her grin just grew and then she hugged me.

  “Well, then promise that you wont get mad now.” She said and took both my hands.

  What was it now? I felt like I would throw up, even though I didn’t eat anything, when I thought of why she did this. Had she invited Jake over? I felt the stress grow inside me, just like it reached out from my stomach to my toes and out trough my hair.

  I stared at her with big eyes, I were just about to speak when she opened her mouth.

  “No, Bella. Don’t be stupid, I wouldn’t do that to you.” She said and looked first angry, but then she looked sad. “Is that what you think of me?” she looked at me just like she would begin to cry. “Do you really think I would do that to you, Bella?

  “You’ll never know when it’s you, Alice.” I said. I was a little less stressed now, but what did she mean then, if it weren’t about Jake?

  I felt that every time I even thought of his name it felt like something stabbed me right in the gut.

  Before I could think anything more she whispered “Wait a sec-” and ran out the room, I raised myself to standing, but she were gone, she had left me alone.

  Alone. It scared me, without knowing why. Standing in Alice room alone was, and I’m not overreacting, terrifying. Without even needing the air, I started to breath fast and shallow. The pain in my head and body were overwhelming, the pain of knowing that I were alone, with no one near. I knew I was being pathetic, but I just wanted to run after Alice, just to hear her breathing.

  I fell apart totally, I just collapsed, I felt myself falling apart, I felt the floor against my cheek.

  This was the end; I won’t be able to live like this. I wanted this to be the end.

  “Bella!” Alice said when she came in trough the door with clothes in one hand and Jasper in the other hand.

  I felt better at once, not okay, but better. Jasper was really good at making people feeling just like he wanted, only now I guessed that it were really hard.

  “Bella”, Alice mumbled when she kneeled in front of me and took me in her arms. “It’s okay. I’m sorry; I shouldn’t have left you alone.”  She continued mumbling. Even though Jaspers gift, I still felt that pain, even though that the sadness were gone.

  “No, it’s not you’re fault. It’s my fault for being so pathetic.”

  “Bella” Alice said and took my face between her small hands and looked deeply into my eyes. “You’re not being pathetic. I mean, if I were in your place, if Jasper found someone else” Jasper growled at her words and Alice looked at him with a look that was filled with love, and then she looked at me again. “Bella, if Jasper would find someone else, then I wouldn’t be able to live, I would just run away, and don’t care about anything anyone said. I think you’re really strong.” She talked slowly, as if I wouldn’t understand if she didn’t.

  She slowly helped me up to standing; it felt like my legs would brake anytime.

  “I don’t believe that.” I mumbled so low that it even were difficult for Alice to hear, and then I  sat down on the chair I sat on when she made my makeup.

  “At least it’s true.” She said and then she looked down at her hands. “Oh right! Here, promise you won’t get mad.” She said and reached her hands for me.

  “I don’t think I’m able to get mad anymore” I sad and took the clothes from her.

  It was a simple, ocean-blue tube top and a short, black skirt. The tube top was really beautiful, the blue colour were amazing. The colour made the simple top look… Amazing, almost enchanting, I just sat there and stared idiotically on the top.

  “Alice… It’s beautiful!” I said when I held it up in front of me.

  “I know you would say that”, she said and smiled. Of course she knew that. “Take it on, the shoes stands at the door.” She said and pointed against the door.

  “Okay, you know that it isn’t really necessary but…”I said and looked at her. She continued to look at the door; it looked like she had a vision. Wonder what she saw?

  “Soon”, she said and smiled against the door. “Get dressed and meet us downstairs.” She said, without giving me a look, and then she and Jasper were gone before I could think about it further, I guess I was slow today.

  While got dressed I thought of who it could be that will come and pay us a visit. I didn’t care about the being lonely by now, I knew that I were my destiny to be lonely, now I only knew that we were about to have a visitor.

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Chapter Nine

I just wanted a chance to say goodbye, one last time.

  “Bella, do what you have to do. Just know this; I will be here for you.” She said and looked at me like she was about to cry anytime, if that were possible. “Always” and when she said that she hugged me.

  She knew that I was leaving; I think she knew that from the beginning, to get away from all the memories. Like that would help, I would still have the memories in my head, stored in there for me to watch them over and over again, without having the power to get rid of them.

  I closed my eyes so I wouldn’t scream; I wouldn’t show how much I was hurt to Alice, not anyone.

  I needed to get out, now. I could not hold my feelings inside myself for much longer.

  “Bye” I said and looked at her for a long, whole second. I could see the pain in her eyes when I looked in her beautiful, golden eyes.

   Alice just stood in the hall looking at me. She didn’t look angry, – I thought she would, because I was leaving- but she looked like she worried. I guess she was worried about how I was dealing with this, and I don’t blame her for that. I was worried about that, too.

  Well, I couldn’t deal with this; this was just too much for me to deal with.

  After a while of running without having a goal I noted that I was halfway to my secret meadow.

  “Well”, I thought “If Alice saw me here, then maybe it’s here I should be.” And I continued to run towards the meadow.

  I tried to think of the Chinese alphabet, which I wasn’t that good at, just trying to think of something else than the pain in my dead, cold and non-beating heart.

  When I arrived to the meadow I had thought of the Chinese alphabet twenty three times. The meadow looked- I couldn’t find the right word for it, it looked dead, just like my non-beating heart.

  I laid down in the green grass, trying to think about the nature around me. Just trying to think about something else than the pain, it didn’t help. I could focus on both the nature and the pain that felt like it was about to kill me, as a vampire you can have many thoughts and feelings at the same time. I felt like I needed to scream, not a hold back scream, but a real scream, when I used all oxygen and power inside me. But of course I couldn’t do that, if I did, then the whole country would hear, if not the whole world.

   I tried to shut the pictures out of my head, not successfully. Many pictures flashed through my mind, both the happy and the not so happy memories.

  The memories of Jake and me, standing beside our car trying to fix it- well, it was more Jake that fixed the car, I just stood beside and helped him by lifting the car.

  The memories of Jake’s face when I opened the door, his red eyes from crying, I felt a pain in my heart. I just wanted to help him, to make him stop crying.

  When the memory of Jake screaming at me ran trough my mind, my whole body froze, it was a memory I didn’t want to think about.

   I begun to think about what Jake might be doing now, maybe he walked around the streets now and just waiting for that special girl to show up. Or maybe he still was at home and waited for me to get back. But that was a though I couldn’t think, he wasn’t for me anymore.

  I felt another wave of pain wash over me when I thought of that, that someone else would be the one to love him. To be the one he shared his secret with. How could anyone love him like I do? But just as long as Jake is happy, then I guess will be happy with him, at least as happy as I could be.

  Then a thought hit me, he hadn’t been imprinted yet, his world hadn’t changed yet. Maybe he wants to be with me, even if it’s only for now.

  Okay, I will do it; I will run to Jake’s house and pay him a visit.

  I just wanted a chance to say goodbye, one last time.

  When I ran towards Jake’s house I felt, well happy is to exaggerate, but I almost felt happier than before. I would get a real goodbye from Jake. I would get a goodbye when he still loved me, when we both loved each others just as much as the other does.

 When I ran up on his porch and to the door, it felt so, so usual. I felt like something was wrong, very wrong.

  I knocked lightly on the door; if I wasn’t careful the door would become wood chips, and waited for Jake to open the door.

  But it wasn’t Jake that opened the door, it was a girl. The smell of her hit me hard, she smelled really good. And her smell was foreign, I hadn’t met her before. Who was she?

 She was dark-skinned just like Jake, and her hair was dark-brown, with just a hint of red. She was really beautiful, a big smile with teeth that weren’t perfect, but she were really pretty. She looked just like the girl in the dream I had have about Jake and a girl with two small boys.

  Then an awful thought came through my mind, was this his imprint? My face changed from happy to blank on just half a second. She saw that and her smile vanished quickly.

  “Jake! There is someone at the door!” She screamed while she turned around, leaving me at the door. She could as easily just whispered, Jake would hear it anyway.

  She walked to the living room to sit down in the couch, Billy sat there, too. I could tell by the smell.

  “Who is it?” Jake said while he came out to the hall with a big grin. His big grin vanished when he saw me, it were replaced with a surprised and afraid facial expression. I would have been started running away by now, if I would have been able to move. All the muscles in my body were locket, I couldn't even breath. I just stared at him, he was beautiful, and it looked like he was glowing.

  “Bella” he said and his voice sounded empty, like he hadn’t any feelings left for me.

  By then I already knew, that girl was his imprint. I wouldn’t get my last goodbye. He was totally happy with a new girl, and I wasn’t.

  I turned around, I wanted to get away as soon as possible, and begun to walk very fast out of his house. I couldn’t run because his new girlfriends were there, she couldn’t know what I was. It was very frustrating; I just wanted to get away as soon as possible.

  Luckily, for me, my body worked with me and I turned around and begun to walk away.

  “Bella! Wait, please wait!” Jake shouted when he ran after me. I stopped so fast that he ran past me. When he had walked the two steps that he needed to stand in front of me, he looked at me with a worried gaze.

  “Just tell me what you want, and then let me leave.” I said, trying to control my voice. I couldn’t look at him, I looked down at the ground, if I looked at him I wouldn’t be able to control myself; I would either run away or something else I didn’t even want to think about.

  “I’m so sorry, Bella. I still love you, ‘know.” I snorted when he said that, why would he love me when he had her? I felt like my legs couldn’t bare me anymore, like I would collapse. I needed to focus so I wouldn’t fall down.

  “Bella, don’t be stupid! I still love you. Shit… How can I tell you this without hurting you more than I already have?” I sighed in response. I already knew what he would tell me. And he couldn’t save me from being hurt; I was already as hurt as I could.

  “I love you, but I can’t love anyone more than I love Jan.” So, his imprint’s name was Jan. Well, What the hell? I didn’t care, I tried to convince myself, but I was a bad liar, I couldn’t even lie successfully to myself.

  “’Course, I know that…” I said and begun to walk away, still having my gaze on the ground.

  “No, I don’t think you understand. I still feel the same way I felt before I got this imprint. I still love you.” He said and grabbed my shoulders with both his hands. I looked away, into the forest. I didn’t want to meet his gaze, and then I would probably drown in this intolerable pain.

  “Bella, look at me!” He said fiercely. I slowly changed my gaze from the forest to him. His eyes were filled with tears. By now I couldn't look away, I was caught up in his gaze that I wouldn’t have noticed Jan walking towards us it weren’t for her smell that scratched in my nose.

  Jan cleared her throat loudly. I guess she wanted to know what we were doing, and what we were talking about.

  “Eh, Jan this is Bella.” Jake said and dropped his hands. I could see the difference of Jake when Jan was near. His whole body was changed in a way I couldn’t explain, even for myself. He were almost smiling.

  “Hi”, Jan said and I could hear the sadness in her voice, like she was worried that I would steal Jake from her, She didn’t know how much I wanted that to be true, as if that could happen. Then she turned away from me to look at Jake, and he smiled towards her. He was really happy with her, much happier than when he was with me. That made me feel that pain again.

  “Maybe I should go now” I said and walked away. Jan didn’t pay any attention to me, she just looked at Jake.

 “No, you can stay if-” Jake begun, but when he turned his head towards me and saw my facial expression he interrupted himself.

  I didn’t want to stay for one second more, I didn’t want to see them together, I didn’t want to se anyone at all for a long, long time.

   “Bye. I will miss you, a lot.” He mimed when he hugged Jan with his head towards me.

  I just turned away my head, I couldn’t answer him; I couldn’t even begin to tell him how much I would miss him. I would fade away without him, I wouldn’t have a life to live, if you can call what I do living.

 Why did he do this to me? And why would he miss me? He had Jan, I had no one; I would miss him, a lot. Could he ever understand how much I would miss him?

  When I had walked towards the forest I had felt that he watched every step I took. I didn’t knew what to feel about that, why couldn’t he just hate me, that would make all of this a lot easier.

   I began to run as fast as I could when I had passed the first tree of the whole forest, I couldn’t get away fast enough.

   How could I survive this? How could anyone survive this?

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 Chapter Eight

When you have something right in front of you, you often don’t notice it.

When I came to Jake’s house I could smell the scent of my family. Why had they been here? And it was just for minutes ago they were here, if not just less than a minute. The scent was fresh and strong, I could smell that Jasper, Alice, Emmet and Carlisle had been here.

  I got that weird feeling in my stomach again when I came closer to the family Black’s house. Why had Jasper and Alice, Emmett and Carlisle been here?

  I knocked lightly on the door; I heard that Jake stood in the hall. So he opened the door in less than a second.

  The boy who I saw wasn’t Jake. At least it didn’t belong to the boy I knew as Jacob Black, this boy’s face was wet and his eyes were red. He had been crying, and that was a sight you won’t see often.

  The pieces came to me as I thought of it, the smell of my family, Jake’s face…

  “What’s wrong Jake?” I asked when he wiped the tears away from his cheek. I had never seen him cry, not even that time when I lost control...

  What had they done to him?

  “Nothing”, He said and I could hear that he still was crying.

 I started to think, was Jake the problem Carlisle talked about? No, how could Jake be a problem?

  “Alice told me to tell you to go home as soon as you got here” He sobered and then continued “Don’t leave. Please, don’t leave me. I love you. Please…” He couldn’t continue, his eyes were full of tears.

  “I won’t leave” I said when I walked up to him and pulled him gently into my arms. “I won’t leave until you tell me to.” Why would I leave him now, when he needed me the most?  “I love you, too.” I took a deep breath and said, “What’s wrong?”

  He laid his cheek on my head. I didn’t manage to figure out what that was wrong.

  “I’m a horrible person. Kill me. Kill me right now; I don’t deserve to live.” He said and backed out of my arms and fell down at the floor. The whole house shook when he collapsed on the floor.

  What is he talking about? He needs to tell me, right now!

  “Jake, I won’t kill you. That’s just stupid. Will you tell me what’s wrong?”

  “No, no, no…” He moaned as the tears fell down on the floor. Now he really needed to tell me, what the hell that is wrong? Did Alice’s vision have anything to do with this?

  “Jake”, I said when I sat down on the floor beside him. “Please tell me what happened when my family was here.” He really needed to tell me. I wanted to help him, to make him stop suffering. If my family had done something to him, then I would kill them!

  “Bella, please, promise me that you’ll like me no matter what.” He said and looked at me with his red, wet eyes.

  What the hell did he mean with that? Like him no matter what? “No. I can’t promise that.” I said and saw his face expression change. He looked terrified. “But I can promise to love you no matter what.”

  When I said that, I saw that new tears fell down his cheek. What’s wrong now?

  “That proves that I’m a horrible person! Kill me. Oh god, please kill me!” He moaned.

  I didn't understand that, what did he mean with that? He hadn’t answered my question.

  “Jake, No one would ever wanna kill you. Please, now answer me; what’s wrong?”

  “Just leave, Bella. I’m not good for you.” he said and looked at his clasped hands.

  “No, I won’t-” I begun but he didn't let me finish.

  “Just leave!” He shouted at me fiercely. I’ve never heard him scream at me before, that was a new.

  “But-”

  “Just leave me alone!” He shouted and I could hear that Billy sighed from the living room.

  “If that’s what you want...” I began slowly to rise. “Then I won’t bother you moore then. Bye”, I said and left him crying. I went out the door. Leaving him like that was the hardest thing I had ever done, I just wanted him to be happy, to stop crying. But if he didn’t want me there… Then I would leave, it that was what he wanted.

  I began to run home while I thought of what they must have said to him, to make him cry and scream like that.

  When I came home everybody sat around the diner table, waiting, silently and perfectly still, for me.

  “Bella, sit down.” Carlisle demanded me when I came in trough the door.

  I felt like I needed to scream. Why did they sit here, perfectly still?

  I went to sit down on my ordinary place beside Alice, but that was already taken by Jasper. He had moved from Carlisle’s side and now he sat beside Alice and Rosalie. I was a little surprised by that, but I didn’t want to think about it.

  When I sat down beside Carlisle I looked out at everybody around the table. They all looked down, except Jasper and Esme.

  Esme looked worried and Jasper just focused on my feelings. I didn’t even know if I felt anything by then, I just felt empty.

  “Bella, I guess you know were some of us have been.” He said and I felt his gaze on me, but I just looked down at the white tablecloth. Esme had picked it out; she thought it would fit in just because the whole room was white. I didn’t really care if it fit in or not.

  Emmett, who was sitting beside me, punched me lightly on the arm. I guess he meant to nice, but he has never been the one who is comforting.

  I nodded as answer to Carlisle’s assumption, I didn’t know if my voice would bear.

  “What did Jake tell you?” he asked still looking at me.

  “Nothing”, I felt how small and hurt my voice sounded. And I did feel like that, I felt small and hurt. He hadn’t told me anything, not even a whisper about what was going on.

  “Well Alice, it’s up to you.” He said and looked at Alice. She looked up, she looked a little confused at first, but then she turned towards me.

  “Bella, I don’t know how to tell you this… But in my vision, well…” She stopped herself and looked down at the table.

  “Well?” I asked and looked at her. When se met my gaze she looked like she didn’t want to tell me, she looked worried.

   “Well, I saw you lying in the meadow, for days, maybe for weeks. And you looked… Hurt.” When she said the last word her voice broke and she looked down at the table again.

  So? Is all this about me lying in the meadow for weeks? But then I came up with one thought, why would I lay in the meadow looking like I’m hurt?

  “So? What does that have to do with Jake?” I asked her. My face was blank, I couldn’t think.

  “Well, Bella. You aren’t his imprint you know...” Rosalie said when Alice couldn’t answer me. I could see Alice look anxiously at Rosalie before I looked down.

  I couldn’t think, what the hell did she mean with that?

  Then the coin fell down. I wasn’t his imprint, and then he will get imprinted on someone else…

  If I would have a heart it would have stopped. Now Jake’s reaction made sense, why he cried, screamed and begged for me to kill him. I would have done the same thing.

  “No…” I whispered. I felt that if I could, I would cry. I wanted to run, run away from everything. Run away from the pain I knew that would bee coming. I wanted to be able to run away from all of this. But I couldn’t move, breath anything or even wink.

  “I’m so sorry Bella” I thought I heard someone say in the background, and I guess it was Esme. But I didn’t care; I just sat there and let the pain overwhelm me.

Chapter Seven

"Don't worry, Bella. There was nothing important." Carlisle said when I sat in his office asking him about what Alice had seen. He was lying, I could see it. He was the one who could lie the best in this family, but this time he didn't succeed with the lie.

  I looked at him with a gaze that was accusing. He looked back and sighed.

  "Bella, just trust me. Don't worry; the rest of us will take care of the problem."

  Problem? What problem? Would there be other vampires here, some nomads? No, then he would want me them. I can't come up with anything reasonable.

  "Bella, please don't worry about it. Okay?" He looked at me like he was trying to make me think of something else by his force of mind.

  "How? Please tell me how I could not think about it." I responded. Did he really think that I couldn't worry about it when I don't know what it is?

  "I know it is hard for you, Bella. But please, trust us. We will take care of this." He looked deeply into my eyes and then his mouth became a narrow line. "Maybe you'll need to hunt. Why don't you hunt now, maybe that will make you think of other things?" He putted a hand on my shoulder and then went out the door.

  What? Why? Huh. "Hunt?" I said, but it was too late. He was already downstairs with the others. They whispered something that even I couldn't hear.

  Maybe I would go hunt. Then I wouldn't think of what they talked about. I got a strange feeling in my gut. A feeling I've never felt before. It was a stinging pain. I could live with it, but what was that? I shook my head and went out the office door. Perhaps I just needed to hunt, it have been some time since I hunted the last time.

  I sat down on the fallen tree I sat on the last time I was out hunting. I was full with the blood from one mountain lion and two deer's.

 This time I had a new problem, sitting on the fallen tree.

  What did Alice see? I guess it was about me. The gaze she gave me when Jasper dragged her out of the room was kind of intimidating. But Alice would tell me if there was something that would happen to me, right? Well, I thought Carlisle would. And he didn't, so why would she? I sighed and took a deep breath, the smell of green moss and forest was so strong that it was almost disgusting.

  What if it wasn't about me? What if it were about Jake? No, now I just worry, too, much. Alice couldn't see Jake and the others in the pack.

  Many thoughts ran trough my min, but none felt like it was right.

  Carlisle was right; I shouldn't worry about this. He said that they were taking care about this, so I will trust them.

  I raised myself up to standing. I was going to Jake's house. I needed to see him, to make me think about something better than this. All I thought of was Jake's face while I ran towards his house.

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Chapter Six

To make mistakes is human, but to forgive is divine.

Yeah, but I'm not either of them!

  "Alice, don't even bother. I won't forgive you. Nothing you do will make me forgive you for what you did." I growled at her when she was trying to speak. Maybe I was thick-headed for not letting her explain herself. But what she did was unforgettable; if it weren't for her I would have left Jake alone by now.

 Her head lowered and she made deep and loudly sigh. She turned slowly around, maybe letting me have time to stop her. But I didn't plan to stop her, I didn't want to see her for a long time.

  I turned my head towards the TV-screen and realized that I watched a program that was called ‘Forgive and forget'. What an irony.

  "Alice" I sighed out her name. I didn't wan to give her any false hoping. She turned around so fast that if she wouldn't have been a vampire, she would probably have fallen down of dizziness.

  "Yes" She answered and sounded happy and surprised, and that is probably acting, she knew that I was going to let her explain.

  "Okay, give me you're best shot." I said and turned the TV sound on mute. She better have a good explanation.

  "I just wanna start out by saying that I'm glad you're giving me a chance to talk." She said and came over to me and sat down beside me at the couch.

  "Yes, so use the right words then." I just had to add. I would stop listen if she said anything I didn't like, and she just had to live with it.

  "Yes, thanks. I love you Bella, and you're my favourite sister. I would die if you left me." I looked at her accusing. She wouldn't die if I would leave. "I'm serious" She said when she saw my face expression. "You're by best friend, you're my sister and you're my... Well maybe you think I'm being stupid, but if you left. A part of my heart would disappear, I wouldn't be complete without you." She looked deeply into my eyes and I guess she saw that I had already forgiven her, but she continued "So I did what I had to do, I knew you couldn't leave him if you stood face-too-face with him..."

  I knew she had been forgiven since she even opened her mouth. No one could ever be mad at Alice for long.

  I hugged her and whispered "You're my favourite sister, too."

  She sighed and then looked at me.

  "Thank you, I wasn't really sure if you would forgive me. But you did. Thanks." I made a small laugh, she knew since I made up my mind about letting her explain herself.

  "Alice, I'm being really honest with you now, I forgave you when you first opened you're mouth. No one could ever be mad at you, and I guess you know that." I said and looked at my favourite sister's black eyes. They were starring at something that no one but she could see.  

  She was having a vision, and I guess it wasn't that good. She looked terrified.

  "Alice, what do you see?" I asked her, and by then I whished that I could read her mind.

  "No, please. No, no, no." Alice moaned. "Why?"

  I didn't have time to ask her anything more before Jasper came down the stairs and into the room. He sat down at the couch's armrest and laid an arm around her shoulders.

  "Alice what's wrong? What did you see?" Jasper asked, probably worried if something would happen to someone of them.

  "No, no. Please! How could this happen?" She moaned while Jasper dragged her out of the room. She looked back at me with a terrified look at her face. What had she seen?

  I started to follow but Jasper gave me a gaze that froze me. I just stared at their backs while they walked upstairs to the others that were in Carlisle's room.

  What the hell did she talk about? Would something happen to anyone? Would someone get hurt? And why did she look at me that way?

  My thoughts flied around while I went back to the TV to watch something that could make me think of something else for a while.

  The TV didn't help that much, I still thought of what Alice had seen.

  Many thoughts had run through my mind when I heard that someone opened Carlisle's door. Would someone tell me what she saw now? Probably not, but I could at least try to get something out of Carlisle. He can't keep quiet if there is something that will happen to anyone of us.

  And if anyone would get hurt, then someone would tell me. Right?


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Chapter Five

Sometimes you have to change your mind to understand.

Yeah, if you're a brain dead monster.

  "I will kill you! I swear I will kill you for this Alice!" I shouted at her.

  I knew it didn't help, but what had she done? She ruined my plan of giving Jake a normal life.

  "You'll thank me, perhaps not now, but maybe in fifty-sixty years. Trust me Bella, it wasn't the right choice of leaving, and you know that yourself." Alice answered me. She didn't feel guilty; I could hear it on her voice. She will regret this!

  "Oh, Of course you know what the right choice is for us?" I screamed at her, I was really angry.  "You don't even see his future! You don't know anything!"

  I could hear Jake walk out of the forest on two feet, either he just ran unchanged or he changed before he came out the forest. But, he usually changes before he comes out of the forest.

  "Well, now you two can talk about it together. We'll se what he thinks." Alice said and walked past me nonchalantly. I just wanted to rip her apart!

  "Eh, we'll let you two guys talk alone. Come on Rose, let's go." Emmett said and dragged Rosalie with him when he walked after Alice out through door. The door just had time to close until Jake walked in through it.

  "What's wrong?" he said and I both heard and saw in his face-expression that he was really worried.

  I guess he has had time to think when he ran here about what's wrong. How could I tell him the truth? It would only hurt him. Maybe if I would run... No, that's just cruel. He would get hurt if I just ran out the door and leave him. But If I don't leave now I might not e able to leave him.

  "Eh, nothing" I said just trying to calm him down, but he just seemed to get more worried. What would I tell him? He deserved the truth, or would that just hurt him? Yes it would, but then what would I tell him?

  "Bella, I'm not stupid! What's going on?" He said and looked at me in a way that made me feel guilty. I looked down on a spot at the floor "Alice called me and said that I needed to come over here as soon as possible, or you would to something that would hurt us both."

  I wanted to tell him the whole truth, but would that just hurt him, right?

  He walked towards me but stopped when I looked him in the eyes. What did he see in my face expression? Was it anger, sadness or something else? I couldn't tell.

  "Bella, what's wrong? Please tell me. Have I done anything wrong or-" I needed to interrupt him there; he was not allowed to blame himself for anything that involved in.

  "You haven't done anything wrong. It's me; I have done everything wrong in every way that there is." Well, that's not a lie. But still that's just a part of the truth.

  "What now? I don't follow. I asked..." He thought for half a second "Why would you have done anything wrong, if I might ask? If there is someone that has broken the rules it is me. You have always thought of me, and you've always been careful, Bella."

  I couldn't say a word, he thought he had done several thing wrong, and I hadn't done anything wrong. That's just stupid, sick, un-right... How could he even think something like that?

  "Jake, have you been running into trees lately?" If he had been doing that it would explain why he is so stupid.

  "No, why would I?" He looked really surprised by the question. Well, who wouldn't?

  "You've lost your mind! You do never ever blame yourself and make me appear like the good one here. I'm the one who should be blamed, not you!" I felt enough angry as it was, but when Jake begun to laugh I just lost my mind. "What the hell is so funny?" I screamed at him. Why did he laugh? That's just stupid, and rude.

  "It's just that you always blame yourself for everything. That's not very healthy you know." He laughed and a big grin appeared on his face.

  Why wouldn't he understand that I didn't always blame myself? I just blame myself when I had done something wrong, like I always do.

  "Why don't you take this seriously?" I was still angry, and he noticed that. His grin disappeared when he studied me with his gaze.

  "I don't think it's anything to take seriously. You're just being stupid Bella."

  "I am not being stupid! If there is anyone who is being stupid here it's you!" I was going to continue, but he interrupted me by taking to quick steps towards me and then kissing me. I didn't want to argue with him anymore, it wasn't even the reason he came here in the first place.

  I answered the kiss, but not too intensive, I might loose control, you never know. I slowly backed out of the kiss and looked down at the floor. I couldn't meet his gaze, not right now.

  "Let's not argue anything more, ‘Kay?" No, I didn't want to argue anymore now, but he really needs to understand that he shouldn't blame himself.

Chapter Four

Leaving your true love for their best, that's a good thing. Right...?

  "What? Have you really thought this through? I mean, he means so much to you." Esme said when I had explained to them that we would leave.

  I stood in the living room, at least I thought so. It smelled like it. I hadn't look up one time since I came in through the front door.

  "Bella, we can leave. But we want you to come with us. We can handle you even if you are a wreck. Don't leave by yourself. Please." Alice begged. She saw what I had thought; I would leave by myself and try to find something that would take my mind of Jake. Even thought I didn't think anything could.

  "What?" Rosalie said and looked up at me. "Aren't you leaving with us?" she sounded offended, like I had said something mean about her outfit or something. The only time she ever got offended was when someone pointed out something wrong about her.

  "No, I will go on my own. You other guys can move where ever you want, just you move out of here." I said and I couldn't look at anyone when I said that. I knew that their faces would be either angry or sad, or something else.

  "No." Rosalie said, now she was angry. "We won't leave our home without you. If you don't move with us, we won't leave." Why was she angry? She had never liked me; at least she never showed it.

  "She thinks it will help the dogs, doesn't she?" she asked and looked at Alice. I saw Alice nod her head. She knew that I had planned to tell them that if they weren't so happy about leaving, like they were now. But according to Rose that wouldn't have helped.

  "Where's Carlisle?" I asked. I hadn't notice that he wasn't here.

  "He had to work overtime at the hospital. There had been a lot of car crashes the last couple of days." Esme said and I could hear she wasn't happier about this than Rosalie.

  "Well then... Tell him goodbye. If you don't move away," I looked at everyone, making eye contact to them. "Then I will move away so Jake won't be in danger every time we see each others." I said and felt that everybody stared.

 I didn't care; I just turned around and ran up the stairs.

 I didn't want to do this, but if it means that Jake wouldn't be in danger every time I touched him, then it was the right choice. I could go to Anchorage in Alaska. We were there a long time ago, I could go back there.

  I started to pack some clothes I needed, like my favourite jeans and t-shirts.

  "Please, don't do this." Rosalie begged when she came in through the door. Why would I stay? Jake meant everything for me, and I could leave my family for him, right?

  "Please." She begged again.

  "Why? What do you care?" I snapped back. It wasn't fair to her, but why would she all-of-a-sudden be my bff?

  "Well. For a start, I would miss you." she looked like she was admitting something really embarrassing. "And Jake? He will be devastated!" she sat down in my couch and putted her hand on my fist. I had closed my hands as if I would punch someone. And I would punch something or someone if she didn't leave me alone.

  "Ha! Ha, ha! You would miss me? Ha, ha!  That's a good one Rose." I said with sarcasm.

  "No, I am being honest to you. I would miss you. I'm sorry if I haven't been that nice to you, but when you came here, I felt like you were going to be the new me. Like you were going to take my place as the prettiest." She looked down. I guessed that she was embarrassed to admit it.  She had been worried that I would take her place? That a laugher-provoking! No one could be prettier than Rose; she's the prettiest vampire on the planet.

  "I'm serious, but I realized you were okay when I already had been a bitch for to long. I'm sorry for that. You are totally okay. Please, don't leave." Yeah, she was right. It's a little too late to apologize now.

  "And I ‘m serious about my decision; I'm leaving Jake so he could have a normal life"

  "He can't have a normal life, he's a werewolf. For god's sake, Bella, stop this bullshit!"

  "It isn't bullshit! I can understand that you don't understand, you're in spite of everything blond. But I can explain again; I'm leaving." I pulled my hand away from hers and closed the bag. I was going to leave, now.

  "You know, I think Alice is calling Jake right now." Rosalie said when I was about to lift my bag. I stared at her and listened, Alice was talking to someone.

  "No she isn't!" I said between my teeth and ran down the stairs and into the living room. Everybody sat just as they were when I left.

  "Alice, what are you doing?" I whispered in a dark, angry voice. I was so angry, why would she call Jake? I was doing this for him. I would be in pain when I was away from him, but I didn't care.

  "Yes. No. Eh, Bella wants to talk to you. Can you come over? Okay. Good bye." Alice ended the call and turned around to look at me. I was furious!

  "Jake is coming. He had begun to run before we had finished talking. He truly loves you, Bella. You love him, too. You can't leave him."

  "Yes I can. It's the right thing to do. He can have a normal life if I leave." I growled at her.

  "No Bella, he can't live a normal life. And it would be like if I would leave Jasper just because I saw that we would die one day in a thousand years." Jasper growled when she said that. "But I wouldn't. I would rather live one day with him than a thousand years without him."

  "But you don't make a threat to Jasper every time you touch him. It's not the same thing. And now how could I leave? It would break his heart then."

  "He's here in about five minutes." Alice said and looked at me.

  What am I going to do?

Det var kapitel Fyra, hoppas ni gillade det ^^

Chapter Three

Feeling Guilty could make you do things, that's right isn't it?

  "Bella!" Alice said and hugged me when she came home from the hunting. I guessed she wanted to know about Jake. She always wants to know.

  "Hi." I said with a tone that obviously wasn't excited and she noticed that. But she didn't care, she were still speeded from the hunting. She always got speeded right after hunting.

  "Tell me" she said and I didn't even have time to sigh before she continued. "Please, You know I don't like being blind." And she looked at me with a look that no one could resist. I sighed loud so she could hear, and then took a deep breath and begun to tell her about the car. It was no lie, I just didn't tell the whole story.

  "I know that there was something else that happened." She accused me, and she was true. There had happened something else.

  "I don't know what you're talking about" I lied. And I don't need her gift to know that she had figure my bad acting lie.

  "You know you're awfully bad at lying, just so you know." Alice laughed. I sighed, I guess I was forced to tell.

  "Do you really want to hear? I don't really want to tell. It is... It is kind of embarrassing." I said. I schouldn't really had said that, Alice just got more interested when I said ‘embarrassing'. I sighed and told her about the kiss with Jake. I guess Jake won't like this.

  "Yes, it's maybe that way. If you two just practice maybe you'll be really good at it. Or maybe it is just you that needs to practice?" She said when I told her about the thought I had earlier this day when I were with Jake, ‘Maybe practise gives skills.'

  "Yes, he doesn't have to worry about what if he would loose control and hurt me; I'm almost unbreakable. But he isn't." I shook my head and looked down at the floor. I couldn't even think about it without feeling guilty. He had been in pain because of me.

  "But Bella, it didn't happen anything this time. Why should it happen the next time? You are too worried about everything, even worse than Esme." Alice said. And maybe I was too worried; it was one time. But no, I can't think that way. Not when it is about Jake. He is my life, or maybe existence is a better word for it. If I only were human, we wouldn't have anything to worry about. No, then I wouldn't have anything to worry about. He doesn't take this seriously.

  "What are you thinking of?" Alice asked when I didn't say anything for a while.

  "Nothing. Everything. I don't know. This is just so complicated." I whined to her. I had never been this pathetic; I'm sitting here and whining to Alice. She has her own problems; I shouldn't make everybody else feel bad because I feel awful.

  "You really do feel bad about this, don't you?" she said and I felt guiltier for making her feel bad just because I feel bad.

  "No. No, I just... You shouldn't..." I couldn't think of anything that could say to her so she would believe me; I was a bad actress, though.

  "You can't keep blame yourself, and you know that. If you want to keep seeing Jake you got to stop this. I guess he doesn't like this either." She said and I felt that she looked at me. But I couldn't look back. I knew she was right. Why would Jake want to stick around if I behaved like this? It's a miracle that he wants to be with me anyhow.

  "You're right. I'm sorry. I will try to change. It's not that easy you know." I said and I felt like I meant it. Because I did, I will try to change, for Jake.

  "I've never said it was easy, but it's good you will try." She kissed me on my forehead and then se left. "Bye, Jasper wants to play a little" and when she said that I could almost me hundred percent sure she smiled. I laughed for myself when I thought about what she meant with ‘play'. Oh.  Oh.

  "Too much information, Alice!" I said loudly to her. I know she heard me.

  When I said that I could hear Alice's and Jasper's laugh on the second floor. I needed to get out of this madhouse, now!

  "Why?" I screamed into the empty forest; it was a storm coming and all the animals where hiding.

  I sat on a fallen tree. It had been laying here for a while, because it was green moss all over the stock. I sat as still as a statue, feeling the breeze and all the smells around.

  I smelled three deer's two hundred metres away from me, but I didn't care. I didn't care that I was thirsty; I needed to think. But maybe if I drank I would be able to think better? I didn't think anymore, I just let my senses take over and I begun to run after the deer's.

  I sat on the fallen tree again with my thirst satisfied, at least as satisfied as it could be with animals, and begun to think, maybe now I could think better.

  Maybe Jake would be better of without me? Maybe he will find a nice girl and get imprinted on her. If I would leave, maybe he will find someone who he could kiss without worrying about if he would have some broken bones. Maybe it will all work out just fine for him, just if I leave him, and my family, too. All vampires would leave and the werewolf's would be gone, too. They wouldn't need to exist, the vampires would leave and they would be normal? I don't know all about the werewolf's, but they don't do either. So maybe he will be normal, get a wife and some beautiful black-haired kids. I saw the picture of Jake and a beautiful woman beside him, looking at two small, black-haired boys playing.

 If I just had the power to stay away from him and never come back again, that could happen, and he would be happy.

  When I begun to ran back to the house I had made up my mind. I would leave him alone. And so would my family, too. We would leave tonight and break the bonds right of.


Det där var kapitel tre, och jag hoppas ni tyckte om det :D
Ett nytt kapitel kommer senare ^^

Chapter two

When you open someone's eyes, you often open your own eyes, too. And you shouldn't be afraid if you see all the horrible things.

  "Bella! Oh, Bella!" Jake said when he ran against me. He had seen me when I came out of the woods next to his house.

  "Jake!" I said and ran into his arms, carefully of course. Then I carefully hugged him. He hugged me back as hard as he could -Not that I was in pain of it, and then he began to kiss my neck and then my cheek. He tried to kiss me, but I wasn't sure I had the power to control myself. Even though he didn't smell like a human, that was a good thing even though. If he had smelled like a human, I couldn't have been able to control myself.  I slowly backed out of his arms and then I took his hand and putted it on my chest.

  "If I would have a heart, it would be beating as fast as a hummingbird right now." I smiled and looked deep in his beautiful, black-brown eyes.

  He took my right and putted it on his warm chest; I could feel his heart beat fast, really fast.

  "You do have a heart, you have mine. Forever." He smiled and leaned forward to kiss me, I didn't care to move back. I wanted to show him that I really loved him. And I truly do. But I'm just afraid to hurt him again. He's unnatural warm lips were shaped around mine.

  I leaned back and looked at his eyes again before it got too far, they were shut and he breathed like when someone had been running a marathon race. And that isn't something usual, because he never got breathless.

I dragged my gaze from his eyes to his lips; they looked so warm and smooth. I just wanted to touch them, just... no.

  Be selfish. Kiss him. The voice in my head told me. But what if I hurt him again? I wouldn't be able to live with myself if that happened. No! I thought back. Even thought he heals fast he will still be in pain if I loose control. No. No...

  "Please. I trust you. You won't hurt me." He said and stroke me on the cheek with his finger.

  "But what if I do? I wouldn't be able to live with myself... I don't think that's a gr-"

  I was interrupted by his lips pushed to mine. He laid his hands in the back of my head and pushed my head towards his. He opened my mouth -I will have to add that I didn't put up with much a fight; I wanted this as much as he- and the kissed began for real. I could do this all day every day. Just if I weren't a monster who all-of-a-sudden could loose control.

  He leaned back when he needed to catch his breath. My breathing was fast, even though I didn't need to breathe at all.

  "You see, there was nothing to worry about." He said and kissed me lightly on my lips. "And by the way, I love you."

  "Just as I love you. If it weren't for you, I would probably still wonder why everyone in my family was so happy around their loved ones." I had never loved someone in the way I loved Jake before. So that thing with Carlisle and Esme for example, I didn't know how they could be so happy around each others after all this time. "But you opened my eyes you know." I could tell him anything, even if I hadn't thought that out that good. It was so easy to tell him things, and I don't even know if that sounded so well.

  He looked at me and it looked like he was going to cry. I started to regret that I said anything, what if I just had hurt him in any way?

  "Just like me. Bella, you opened my eyes to you know." He said and wiped away a tear with the back of his hand that was rolling down his cheek.

  "Tell me, how did I open your eyes?" I wondered and kissed his lips even lighter that he had done.

  He sighed and opened his eyes. "I was so sick of everybody in the pack. All they were thinking of were their imprints, and I was so tired at it! I was so close to seriously considering running away, just getting away from it. But then you came into my life. And then I suddenly understood everybody. You opened my eyes to love." He said and I felt that only if I could, I would cry. I didn't let him say anything more, I just kissed him. Lightly and fully hearted. He answered my kiss. It was easier this time to not loose control. Maybe it is like they say; practise gives skills.

  I leaned back when I felt like it was going a little too far, a little to early according to Jake's sigh.

  "I love you." I whispered to him and leaned my forehead on his chest. He was the only one who could make me feel smoking hot inside, and it wasn't just because he was so hot he would have been dead if he was an ordinary human, but because he was the love of my life. I can't ever love anyone more than I love him.

Kommentera gärna! :D

  "Why should we be worried? Oh right! She just likes him, so because of that there's nothing to worry about." Rosalie said and then snorted. She was always overreacting.

  "Rosalie, it's her choice. Not yours. If she loves that thing it's her problem." Emmett tried to calm her down, not successfully.

  "Don't even start! It is our problem if she gets hurt because of him!" Rosalie screamed now. I never knew she cared about me that much; she only showed politeness, but not love. But why would she be worried? It would probably be he who gets hurt, not me.

  "Rosalie, stop it. It's not something you can do something about. It's Bella's choice, not yours. Please, stop. I can't stand it anymore! You only complain, without knowing how he is to Bella. You have never met them together. If he makes Bella happy, why aren't you happy for her instead?" Esme said. She was the one who always protected me when it came to me being with Jake; she only wanted the best for me.

  "Suite yourself. It's not our fault if he kills her by mistake when they're doing something." Rosalie said and I can only guess what she means when she says ‘something'. Now I was angry. Really angry, I have been listening for a while now just letting her talk. Now I couldn't just sit here and listen to her!

  "You really shouldn't have said that." Emmett said and gave out a deep laugh when I rushed down the stairs.

  She had gone too far now. I hadn't even slept over -or what you call it when you stay the night without sleeping- at Jake's house, so she shouldn't say something!

  "And what the hell do you mean with that?" I screamed at her when I stood at the other side of the room as her. She looked at me with anger in the eyes while Emmett kept laughing.

  "You know exactly what I mean with that." She said in a deep low voice. Oh if I only could read her mind, then I would know why she was so stupid!

  "Now, obviously I don't." I answered and controlled my anger; I felt like ripping her head off.

  She just snorted and then said "At least I don't stink every time I've been kissing my love." Then she took Emmett's hand and pulled him with her, I guess she needed to take out her anger at someone. They ran out the door and then I was alone with Esme, the others were gone hunting. Carlisle, Alice and Jasper would come back in three days; they were hunting far away now.

  "Don't you care about Rose; I actually don't know why she reacts like that. That's now like her." Esme said and laid a hand on my shoulder and pulled me to her.  My face expression didn't show anything, I was empty.

  "Why is she so worried about me? And If something happens to me, what does she care?"

  "Seriously I think she only don't like Jake. They have never been good with each others you know." She answered me. "But don't you care about her, you do what you feel is right." She kissed me on my forehead and then she stepped back a step and then studied me as if I were a ugly Picasso painting that no one knew of.

  "Sorry Bella, but you seriously need some new clothes." She was just like Alice, always new clothes. I was comfortable with baggy jeans and a t-shirt; I didn't need designer-clothes.

  "No I don't. And don't you try to talk me into going into town with you, I won't come with you." I said with a crooked smile. She smiled back and then hugged me.

  "No. Okay. You're right, sorry."

  "You haven't done something wrong, don't apologize. It's okay. I was just going to Jake for a while, so it's nothing I need to dress up for. He has seen my worst sides." I said and remembered when I accidentally had loos my self control when we kissed and pushed him into a wall so hard that I broke his arms. Luckily he heals fast, but I still blame my self for that. He was in pain because of me, since that point I was very careful when it came to physical connection. He always tried to make me go a little further, but I always disappointed him by saying no. Then he often begin to say ‘It didn't really hurt that much, I thought of other things then. It was when you stopped it did hurt.'

  "Okay, if you say so. Have fun there. I need to dust the whole house today, it was long time ago. I have had my hands full with arranging Rosalie's and Emmett's wedding." She said the last meaning with a sigh.

  "You know I'm able to help." I said and she shined up. "When I'm not with Jake of course." I added, that was an important thing. Jake comes first, always.

  "'Course! I'm just happy you're able to help. Have fun at Jake's now. Bye!" she said and went to get some cleaning supplies.

Hoppas ni tycker första kapitlet var bra :D
Kommentera gärna ^^

Japp, jag kommer lägga upp en ny twilightfanfic sammtidigt som jag lägger upp den gamla.
Och den är på engelska, jag gillar inte att skriva på svenska ;)


Beskrivning:
Bella är vampyr. Hon lever med Carlisle, Esme, Alice, Jasper, Rosalie och Emmett I Forks.
Hon har Jake, hon älskar honom och han är hennes liv.
Men går det verkligen bra att vara ihop med en Varulv?
Livet kan få en stor vändning när något oväntat händer.


Har du en Fanfic som du vill bli publicerad?
Kommentera så kan vi prata mer^^